Life Decision = Regret

The current string of decisions I have made, have not only destroyed me as a person but has lead to an entire string of regret. Now, in retrospect, I did make a HUGE MISTAKE by not including Rae B. in the decision making. But that tumbled into a SHIT BALL. Not only has all my privacy been thrown to the wind (i.e. I have none) but I have become public enemy number 1.

Side note: Despite how it appears, I am a very private person

At this point I feel like I'm boxing myself in. I'm fxckin myself over with these decisions I'm making. I'm building my own prison. Now, to redeem myself, I have to live like a nun in training. Geo-send my location, pictures, calls, and texts about what I'm doing, and be on my best behavior. FYI this is all my own plan to redemption.

I know it seems like an oxymoron, I am a private person but I share all my information with you guys. The difference between this and that is I have control over the information shared here. But that's neither here or there. So there it is. Now to not spiral into a pit of depression and rash decisions.

I'm in love....

Rae B.

That's what we will call her. We've been together for a while now. And I know it'll be a shock to you all, but we are on our way to getting engaged. Our relationship  moved at the speed of light, I won't lie. We dated and were together at the same time. That caused a lot of riff, arguments almost daily because we were still learning each other. We've broken up and have gotten back together about 7 times lol. I have plenty of post coming your way about relationships, their issues, my life, engagement, and a shit load of everything else.

Excuse my long hiatus but I'm back love bugs.

I deserve...

I deserve someone who is

Loyal

Compassionate

Attentive

Supportive

On a similar path in life as me

Who pushes me to be better

That reciprocates the love and things I do for them

Someone who RESPECTS ME

Someone who is good in bed

Loves PDA

Understands that I get extremely jealous

Works to build my trust

And ultimately someone who, if even if they don't have all these features, is willing to work to develop them

I deserve these things because I am loyal to my partner, I do anything and everything in my power to show them that I can be trusted, that I am your number 1 line of support, and that what we have can and will be eternal. I know I have issues that make me imperfect but they can be overshadowed by the love and care I show my partner. My loyalty and devotion has been my downfall plenty of times but I know, after every heartbreak, there is someone out there that deserves all I have to give and more. And I will not stop being that way because one dickhead took it for granted or exploited it. Most importantly I deserve these things because, just like I ask of my spouse, whatever is on your list that I don't already contain, I can develop just for you.

Jelly Bean Test

Some relationships really need to be put to the jelly bean test. So what's the jelly bean test?

It's a scale of logic and not emotion. Many people stay in the relationships for pure love. Not because it makes them happy, that they've gained so much since meeting this person, or that life is of a better quality with them around. Its simple love, comfort, or fear. The love you have for that person keeps you there. The comfort of having the same routine or being with the same predictable person keeps you. Or the fear of the hurt that will come of having to say goodbye to someone you love or once loved. How do you do the jelly bean test?

Take two bowls, one for pros and one for cons, and a bag of jelly beans. Use the last month of your relationship for scale, if you've been together for over a year, use the last six month, 2 years use the last year and so on. With that put 1 jelly bean from every good thing that has happened in your relationship in the pros bowl and the opposite in the cons bowl. If the pros outweigh the cons, then you are just having a rough patch. But if the cons outweigh the pros you move to the next step.

Evaluation

Think, from the outside looking in, would you ever put up with what you already are? Have times gone from good, to bad, to worse? Is it worth it?

Complications with this method:
It can be extremely hard to see the good in anything when you've been in a gray cloud so long and vice versa. Also, never do this method in the heat of the moment. Trust that your judgement is squed. Clear your head, take a break, then proceed.

The jelly bean method is not meant to determine an end to your relationship. It's more of a strike method. Three strikes, you're out! So the first time you use it, you point out all the flaws that need to be addressed. Second time, you see what flaws have gone and which were added. Last time is suffer or call it quits.

In all, relationships should have only a few hills and speed bumps. Not mountains and volcanoes. Remember that.

Peace and love

Taking a Step Back

At what point in a relationship do you take a step back and really evaluate yourself BEFORE and AFTER this relationship. Are you better? Are you the happiest you've ever been? Have you gained more in this relationship or lost it all?

I sit here in my car, blasting music, contemplating these questions. The bare bones of my relationship is wonderful, but a girl is bored. ROUTINE IS NOT FOR ME. I need excitement, I need to get out, I need to receive everything I give to you in return. Simple, not quite. Numerous fights later, I sit here. On a "break" in my relationship with all my shit in the trunk. We took a break before, and it did wonders for us. I'm hoping this time would be the same. 

When you begin to be completely drained, that's the time to take a step back. People can get so caught up in keeping everybody else comfortable that they forget about themselves. That was me. But it all boils down to, what about me. Who's keeping me comfortable? When's the last time I smiled with no effort of my own? Who's taking care of me? What do you do for me? 

A change needs to be made and it needs to be made now! Only time will tell. Until then i'll be drowning my sorrows in retail stores, long drives, and blog post. Peace and love.