I Miss Her

The thought of her....who she use to be....who we use to be

A power couple, bringing in all the fxkn dough, living lavishly, engulfed in each other

That faded fast

Jealousy, miscommunication, and no sense of trust consumed us.

Taking less days at work. Leaving early instead of staying late. Attacking each others character and magnifying every flaw. Avoiding any activity outside the house because the other can not be trusted. Mistreatment of each other behind closed door and facade in front of others. Towards the end it got so bad that we couldn't keep up the facade. We lost each other.

I miss when I was flawless in her eyes. When I brought home the checks with all the zeros. Walking into the room and saying "babe where we off to." I miss her. Not her, I miss how I remember her. We were never perfect. Things got out of hand often. But at night when I go to sleep and in the morning when I wake up, I don't expect to see no one other than her.

I miss her. She knows that. I just hope we find our way back to each other.

The Need to Feel Needed

Last I spoke to you guys I had fxcked up. Ya'll will be disappointed to know that I fxcked up once again. Me and Rae B. are on a break, or broken up, or I don't fxckn know. We're not together. All my doing yet again. But that's not what today's post is about.

The need to feel needed.

For me, its a necessity. It drives me as a person. In a relationship, it mandatory. As soon as I feel unnecessary, my relationships fall to shxt.

Every women aspires for a purpose, whether it be to provide for a child, tend to the home, or bring home the bacon, we all want purpose. Similarly, as soon as all these aspects fall to the wind, mid life crisis kicks in and a need to find self takes over. Identity is solely based on how we contribute to society.

Going back to me and Rae B. breakup, I'll admit this was a contributing factor. I recently lost my job, lost focus in school, fell off with my family, and not much of a house wife. My identity as independent drove me and when I lost that, I felt I lost everything. The car accident took my job, which took my income, and for a while left me without a means of transportation. I was stuck and fxcked. Rae didn't need me to pay this bill or pick up the food, she had it. I'm not one for housewife shxt so I wasn't going to pick that up. I fell to shxt. I had no identity of self. My self esteem had already taken a hit earlier in the year but now my ego was shot too.

I was once this strong, independent, natural Nubian queen. Now I felt more like a weak European peasant.

The need to feel needed drives my mood, my purpose, my life. Today I feel unnecessary in this addition to life :-(