I Miss Her

The thought of her....who she use to be....who we use to be

A power couple, bringing in all the fxkn dough, living lavishly, engulfed in each other

That faded fast

Jealousy, miscommunication, and no sense of trust consumed us.

Taking less days at work. Leaving early instead of staying late. Attacking each others character and magnifying every flaw. Avoiding any activity outside the house because the other can not be trusted. Mistreatment of each other behind closed door and facade in front of others. Towards the end it got so bad that we couldn't keep up the facade. We lost each other.

I miss when I was flawless in her eyes. When I brought home the checks with all the zeros. Walking into the room and saying "babe where we off to." I miss her. Not her, I miss how I remember her. We were never perfect. Things got out of hand often. But at night when I go to sleep and in the morning when I wake up, I don't expect to see no one other than her.

I miss her. She knows that. I just hope we find our way back to each other.

The Need to Feel Needed

Last I spoke to you guys I had fxcked up. Ya'll will be disappointed to know that I fxcked up once again. Me and Rae B. are on a break, or broken up, or I don't fxckn know. We're not together. All my doing yet again. But that's not what today's post is about.

The need to feel needed.

For me, its a necessity. It drives me as a person. In a relationship, it mandatory. As soon as I feel unnecessary, my relationships fall to shxt.

Every women aspires for a purpose, whether it be to provide for a child, tend to the home, or bring home the bacon, we all want purpose. Similarly, as soon as all these aspects fall to the wind, mid life crisis kicks in and a need to find self takes over. Identity is solely based on how we contribute to society.

Going back to me and Rae B. breakup, I'll admit this was a contributing factor. I recently lost my job, lost focus in school, fell off with my family, and not much of a house wife. My identity as independent drove me and when I lost that, I felt I lost everything. The car accident took my job, which took my income, and for a while left me without a means of transportation. I was stuck and fxcked. Rae didn't need me to pay this bill or pick up the food, she had it. I'm not one for housewife shxt so I wasn't going to pick that up. I fell to shxt. I had no identity of self. My self esteem had already taken a hit earlier in the year but now my ego was shot too.

I was once this strong, independent, natural Nubian queen. Now I felt more like a weak European peasant.

The need to feel needed drives my mood, my purpose, my life. Today I feel unnecessary in this addition to life :-(

Life Decision = Regret

The current string of decisions I have made, have not only destroyed me as a person but has lead to an entire string of regret. Now, in retrospect, I did make a HUGE MISTAKE by not including Rae B. in the decision making. But that tumbled into a SHIT BALL. Not only has all my privacy been thrown to the wind (i.e. I have none) but I have become public enemy number 1.

Side note: Despite how it appears, I am a very private person

At this point I feel like I'm boxing myself in. I'm fxckin myself over with these decisions I'm making. I'm building my own prison. Now, to redeem myself, I have to live like a nun in training. Geo-send my location, pictures, calls, and texts about what I'm doing, and be on my best behavior. FYI this is all my own plan to redemption.

I know it seems like an oxymoron, I am a private person but I share all my information with you guys. The difference between this and that is I have control over the information shared here. But that's neither here or there. So there it is. Now to not spiral into a pit of depression and rash decisions.

Her Vice

Her skin is kissed by the finest coco

her lips are envied, plump. and pretty

her curves defy the highest mountains

she's a queen, a god, her highness

This world has mocked her for the width of her hips

and the beauty in between her eyes

because a nose like hers is a true mark of her godly ties

WIDE! BIG! and BEAUTIFUL

but she couldn't see how titillating her form is

 she ponders on if she possess real beauty 

People try to copy the coils in her hair

and bottle the magic of her youth

they buy what she has

but she cannot see her own beauty

That mirror

everyday

she looks, she sees

skin that's too dark

hair that's too nappy

a face deemed ethnic and not exotic

that fuckin' mirror

it destroys her

but its her eyes that lie

because when she looks down all she see's is

a stomach that's too fat

size 16 jeans next to a model pencil sized

feet that are too big

and skin that's just too dark

her vice

her drug

her mental madness came from "that" media

that photo shop she wished she could be

because to be attractive you must

have fair skin

fit smaller clothes

straighten that nest atop her head

enhance this but decrease that

she must deny her ancestry

and give up her godly locks

She must conform to society

how can she hear as they meow under her mighty roar

how did they end up with the power

deciding how she should be

she the ugliest creature but others seek her features

who told her she was ugly

what image tainted her eyes

because SHE IS BEAUTIFUL

not another day will pass for fear of this mirror

I....

she is beautiful

wait

I am beautiful

because I am her and I realize

the only two fucks I have to give are going to be fucks well spent

FUCK your standards

FUCK your opinions

You will not box me in

shame my face

scare me into conformity

Take your vice

your drug

your shit

I am a QUEEN

I gave you life with these hips

Envy me

Take notes

Gawk

Stare

Take your vice

But leave the mirror here

J. Divine

The Engagement

She asked and I said yes! February 13, 2015.

6 months later - we fought, argued, cried, and bounced right back.

Trust, it's not easy being in a relationship buts it 100x harder with a female. But I wouldn't have it any other way, I love her. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I want to pop her head off, but at the end of the day I'll sew it back on and rock her to sleep.

That's my baby.

So I said yes, and now we are working our way to building a life and a home together.

I'm in love....

Rae B.

That's what we will call her. We've been together for a while now. And I know it'll be a shock to you all, but we are on our way to getting engaged. Our relationship  moved at the speed of light, I won't lie. We dated and were together at the same time. That caused a lot of riff, arguments almost daily because we were still learning each other. We've broken up and have gotten back together about 7 times lol. I have plenty of post coming your way about relationships, their issues, my life, engagement, and a shit load of everything else.

Excuse my long hiatus but I'm back love bugs.